Oct 28, 2014, Washington. The CDC is now reporting that the US Ebolachondria outbreak, which launched Sept 30 at the start of election season, has reached “apoplectic proportions,” setting all medical speed records for contagion. Ebolachondria, a vector-borne disease with multiple, highly social vectors, takes advantage of the viral capabilities of the cyber medium, including Twitteratia and Fascioliasis Bookilia. The primary identified vectors are a certain class of spineless Democrat, aspirant Republican officials and the regurgitating press.

The result of such powerful disease vectors has been devastating, and Ebolachondria is now estimated to infect well over 100 million individuals, with the entire US population (aside from a few psychiatric inmates) being re-exposed every 18 minutes. In contrast, there have been only two cases of the Ebola virus disease (EVD) contracted inside the US and only 12,008 in Africa, with the CDC reporting that both US nurses have fully recovered.

Well-placed conspiracy theorists claim proof that Ebolachondria has been spread deliberately by the CIA, NSA, FAA, and FHA to distract attention from the anniversary of the 2008 Financiochondria epidemic that wiped out 50% of the entire country’s stock holdings, one third of home values, and left 10 to 15 million unemployed. However, it would make no sense to cause such a devastating crisis to cover a minor Republican cataclysm that is now almost forgotten.